Open letter to Britney Spears

My dear Ms. Spears,

This letter is prompted by my 14-year-old Darling Daughter's disappointment. She's afraid for your well being, sweetie! Especially since she's seen the pictures. You know the ones - with the blank spots hiding naughty bits. Ick.

The gossip columnists are having a field day. Surely you're used to living in the public eye by now, but still. It's painful to read.

You need a makeover.

One of your greatest assets is that you're a talented young lady from Kentwood, Louisiana. Quit trying to be a Hollywood socialite, partying with the likes of Paris and what's-her-name - you know, the other chick who doesn't wear drawers.

Those two, I wouldn't invite to scoop poop.

Get some counseling for your self-esteem. Not a Hollywood shrink - pick a good one in Baton Rouge or Hammond, y'know? Spend more time with your kids (they're adorable!), and much less time partying in public.

Hire a better stylist. Stay outta the plastic surgeon's office. You're a cute girl. Let everybody else look manufactured, and you be the real one.

You're from the back of beyond in the Deep South. Work that for all it's worth. Be proud of your roots. They're unique!

If you need some time out, send me an email or leave a comment. Everybody ignores us, so you could hide here for a couple weeks and decompress. We'll toss balls for the dogs, walk in the woods, plink with the .22s. Darling Daughter is a competent babysitter; leave your entourage out on the Left Coast.

Love ya, kiddo. Take care.